Do you need to turn down an invitation for Thanksgiving this year?

California is “sounding the alarm” on the spread of COVID, and Dr. Sara Cody (Santa Clara County Public Health Officer) has described eating around a table with people outside of our own household a “very high risk activity.”

If you know you want to roll back plans this year based on this guidance, you might be worried about turning down an invitation for a holiday gathering. If you don’t know what to say to your in-laws, neighbor, sister, mother, uncle… whoever it is that you know an invitation is coming from (or if you’ve already accepted an invitation and want to change your mind), this is for you.

Before we talk about how to approach this conversation, let’s chat about how the stakes got so high.

It can be really mystifying that we’re all looking at the same data yet making vastly different decisions. There are some folks who don’t believe taking precautions is necessary.

If this is the case and you want to assert a boundary, it isn’t worth arguing. You aren’t likely to change anyone’s mind in this circumstance.

There is something else happening though- many more people believe they ARE taking necessary precautions but have made different risk assessments from one another. The information coming from all levels of leadership is not consistent, and humans as individuals are not particularly good at making risk assessments of this nature.

Many people are engaging in different levels of precaution and believe they are being safe. It is important to assert your own boundary with kindness and confidence. If your boundary or precaution is more stringent than someone else’s, that’s okay.

You don’t have to explain it or justify it. If you’re not used to asserting a boundary with someone, you probably know that guilt can feel heavy. This might be hard, but it also might be worth it.

Here are some tips for planning and having what might be a challenging conversation:

1. Know your own boundary.

Do you know that you don’t want to eat dinner with others around a table? Are you comfortable with a 20 minute outdoor, masked and distant conversation? Or is a holiday get-together by video the best option for you? Knowing this before the conversation will allow you to focus on the purpose of the conversation without getting off track into an unwinnable-for-anyone argument.

2. Get on the same page with your household.

Thoughts about risk-taking in this situation can differ among members of your household. If you’re a couple, this may mean going with the boundary of the least comfortable member and then agreeing to assert that boundary together. If your spouse is uncomfortable with dinner with your parents, communicate that you have decided as a family rather than blaming it on just one person.

3. Communicate your boundary without judgment on their choices.

The goal here is to assert your own boundary, and this is something you can be 100% successful with. [If you want to try to encourage your loved ones to make different choices, this is a very different conversation – have it separately] “I am (we are) not comfortable with getting together with folks we don’t live with right now.”

4. Know you do not have to justify your boundary.

If someone asks you why, tries to convince you you’re wrong, or seems frustrated, it’s enough to say, “I am just not comfortable with it.” There isn’t a need to argue about the validity of your boundary OR the basis for their different decision making. You may need to repeat this serval times!

5. Express gratitude in a manner that is true for you.

“We always love our family holidays, and are looking forward to when we feel comfortable seeing everyone together again. We really can’t wait!” If not that’s not true for you, you can also say something like, “Thank you for inviting us!”

6. Validate feelings and express your own (in a way that is true for you).

Here are some options: “I know it’s frustrating and disappointing. I’m disappointed too.” If you aren’t disappointed you can still validate their feelings: “I know it’s frustrating. I’m frustrated with this situation too.”

7. Offer an alternative to maintain a connection.

Make sure it’s one that is available to you, one you’re willing to follow through on, and one that doesn’t cross your boundaries. Here are some examples of things you might say:

• “The kids and I would love to make pie crust together via video.”
• “We would love to stop by and drop off dessert for your family dinner.”
• “Let’s set up a video call on Thanksgiving.” “Let’s do after-dinner virtual games.”
• “We’d love to do a short outdoors, distance visit with masks.”
• “Can we take care of your holiday centerpiece and drop off or send flowers?”

Setting boundaries can be frightening because the perceived distance created can feel like a rejection.

Another way to look at boundary-setting is an act of love; being true to your needs and desires is a way of being authentic in any relationship.

You might feel like you have to do it coldly or angrily to get your boundary across, but you can be firm yet gentle and warm. Even if the receiver of your boundary becomes cold or even attacking, validating their hurt and reiterating your care for them will help repair the relationship.

In short, have faith that your authentic self is better than any other version of you!

And if you’re finding that you’d like some support in the difficult task of setting new boundaries, we’d be happy to chat and see how we can help. 

By Ellen Ross, PsyD

I’ve been talking to many people over the past two weeks as our lives became dramatically different in a short period of time. Many people are feeling anxious. Anxiety can be unpleasant, painful, and overwhelming.

While most people wouldn’t choose to feel anxiety, we’re living through a global pandemic. It’s okay to feel anxious! Anxiety gives us important information. When we encounter a bear in our path, anxiety is what gears us up to fight that bear!

In this case, however, anxiety has geared us up for a fight when what we need to do to be safe and protect those around us is stay home, keep a safe distance from each other, wash our hands, and avoid touching our faces.

For many, taking the appropriate and recommended precautions can be especially frustrating when our anxiety keeps pumping and telling us to fight. 

Here are some thoughts about actions we can all take to help provide an outlet for anxiety: 

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling right now.

Anxious? That’s okay. Grateful? Also okay! Frustrated? Angry? Frightened? All okay. We want to seek the space between pushing the feelings down and diving into them. Try to simply let your feelings be. Do what’s most important to you while carrying those feelings.

Be kind to yourself.

None of us are our best selves right now. Not being 100% is okay! Did you want to make an organic salad for lunch and had frozen pizza instead? That’s okay. Try to do what you need to, and move in the direction of what you know is good for you and your family. But while you’re trying and doing, be kind to yourself. 

Do something physical every day.

Do you love yoga? See if your studio is streaming online classes. Yoga not your thing? Lots of people are offering all kinds of streaming workouts online. Check out  something new. If home workout doesn’t work for you, go for a walk, even if it’s just around the block.

Change your scenery.

If you don’t want to go out at all, that’s okay. Do you have a porch where you can notice spring coming? Do you have a backyard you can chill in? Even a little movement and change of scenery can be beneficial. 

Practice mindfulness.

If you don’t already have a mindfulness practice, start small. Try to breathe deeply into your belly for 30 seconds or a minute at a time. Connect with yourself in the moment and let thoughts and feelings come and go. Notice. When we can be present in the moment with ourselves in any given moment, we will often find that even if we’re not doing great, we’re okay. Practice finding the space where you can connect with the moment. 

Stay connected.

I’ve seen “social distancing doesn’t have to equal emotional distancing” in many places. I don’t know who to credit for it, but I like the sentiment. Do something fun with the family members you live with — even if ‘fun’ looks a little different than usual. Call and talk to people. Listen to how they’re doing and be heard when you tell them how you’re feeling. Reach out and say ‘hi’ to friends and family members you haven’t spoken to in awhile. We don’t have our usual social outlets right now, but there are many other ways for us to connect.

There is uncertainty about when, how, and if the world will go back to normal.

If you’re struggling to adjust to the new circumstances and find that what you usually do is not working, know your neighborhood therapist is available. We transformed the way we deliver support (to provide support via video), and we’re open. If you are currently in California, reach out to us at True North Psychology. Right now, we have video appointments available within a week. 

Want to learn more about video appointments? Click here.

Let us focus our attention on a simpler time, 2006 to be exact prior to the invention of the iPhone.

Back when meals with friends and family were more about being together and less about taking selfies of our food. We called our family on phones that were in the house, in some cases attached to walls and if we missed them, we would leave a message to be returned later that day or week. Holiday cards were thoughtfully handwritten and required the person writing to take the time to mindfully think about each person as they wrote a personal note and addressed the envelope. Perfection? Doubtful. Certainly a simpler time.

Am I suggesting you break up with your smartphone?

Not exactly. However, if you are seeking a less stressful holiday season, you might consider being mindful of the impact your phone and other modern habits has on good old-fashioned communication and your relationships.

How present are you during the holiday season? Do you feel so stressed and anxious that you are unable to enjoy time with family and friends? You are not alone if you said yes.

Here are a few ideas of how you and your loved ones can enjoy a more mindful holiday season.

Notice what is good. When someone does something nice, such as: a child smiles and waves at you, your neighbor helps you take your packages in your house, or an old friend called out of the blue and left a nice message. Allow yourself to take a moment so those positive feelings sink in. Give yourself permission to sit with those feelings and truly experience the joy of another person’s kindness.

Sometimes it truly is the little things that make life so rich.

It used to be that when we were standing in line, or at the bus stop, waiting for a child to get out of school we would talk to the humans standing next to us. Sometimes it was small talk about the weather sometimes it was deeper. Even those chats acknowledging we needed rain was a chance for connection and on occasion those kind words or a smile from another person would unknowingly brighten our moods.

Thanksgiving day is a wonderful time to stop and take a moment to remind ourselves of all that we are thankful for – we forget at times, these reminders are there every day if we choose to observe. So much is happening in an instant, if we look up and observe, watch other people, animals or nature you might just witness something wonderful.

Not in the mood to observe, that is okay.

Did you know there is no documented case of a human dying of boredom? It is okay to be bored; it is actually wonderful for our brains to have a moment to think – not watch a video or speak with a friend on speaker in the bathroom stall – just think or don’t – either way, your brain will thank you (not to mention the person in the next bathroom stall).

When you are with a person, give them your FULL attention.

We have all seen the couple out on a date, heads down backlight by the glow of their phones. Ever feel sorry for them? Have you ever been that couple? Technology just might be the one thing that keeps us from being present with those we love.

Consider trying this: Ask your friends and family to consider “checking” their phones in a central location during holiday meals so you can savor the food and company.

Hosting? Great! Make a request ahead of time with your guests explaining mealtime will be a ‘no-phone zone’ and explain you are doing this because you value each guest and their time and wish to celebrate each other. When you are with loved ones be present with them. Look at them when they are speaking, listen to them as if they are the only ones in the room. Active listening is mindful and shows you care.

Stop “should-ing” all over yourself.

The holiday season for some is a season of one obligation after another. Trying to please everyone and live up to impossible expectations can lead to feelings of resentment and exhaustion. Instead of trying to please everyone with the perfect gift, mindfully observe how your feelings of things you ‘should’ do are affecting you. Take the time and space to be present with your feelings, and identify what you want and need this holiday then ask for it. It is the rare person who wishes to run from store to store trying to locate an ideal gift.

Still not feeling it? It might be more than stress. As much as some people look forward to this time of year, for others, it is a time of struggle. Be kind to yourself, be present with your feelings and do not judge yourself. Reach out and ask for help, if you need.

This time of year can be particularly stressful for people who have challenging family dynamics or have recently experienced a break up, the death of a loved one, or another loss.

People may find themselves feeling sad or blue most of the time and for those who worry, they may notice that they are worrying more than usual. The additional pressure and responsibilities that come with this time of year coupled with shorter days and decreased sunlight can have a negative impact on one’s ability to sleep at night and/or increase the desire to isolate from friends and family.

If you are experiencing any of the above situations or feelings of if you feel this time of year is especially difficult for you, know you are not alone. Please reach out for professional help, you are worth it.

Learn more about Shari Grande, LCSW